Pop Culture’s Least Scary Vampires

Harmony Kendall

Harmony has to be Buffy’s biggest contradiction to that speech Giles gave in season one about a vampire not being the person it once was, but being the thing that killed them. Harmony as a vampire is exactly Harmony as a human, just kinkier. She’s vain (“She must be dying without a reflection” says Buffy when she hears that the Sunnydale High mean girl is now a vamp), superficial, dumb, whiny, needy and self-obsessed – or at least she is before the redemption of her Angel days. The undead cheerleader’s hardly a threat to the Slayer, which is why Buffy can’t stop laughing at the idea of Harmony thinking she’s the big bad, complete with minions. The girl’s easily outwitted and certainly no fighter – see her slappy scrap with Xander for proof of that. In fact, the scariest thing about vampire-Harmony is probably how horribly she’s treated by her blondie bear platinum baby Spike. You’re better off without him, babe. – LM

Count Floyd

The only things more frightening than the blood-curdling classics shown on “Monster Chiller Horror Theater” would include just about everything else about the recurring SCTV bit: grips who won’t let go, precariously perched background scenery, stage hands looming ominously, and technical difficulties which force the host to ad lib. Joe Flaherty’s Count Floyd was a vampire so scary, he howled like a werewolf, and broke the third wall whenever even mildly displeased. When Floyd Robertson wasn’t co-anchoring “SCTV News,” he hosted the fictional local network’s late night horror movie program. The low-budget Svengoolie-precursor showed even lower budgeted thrillers like “Blood Sucking Monkeys from West Mifflin PA,” “Tip O’Neill’s 3D House of Representatives,” and “Dr. Tongue’s Greedy House of Slave Chicks.” The films, many of which starred Dr. Tongue (John Candy) and his semi-human assistant Bruno (Eugene Levy), gave the Canadian sketch show cast a chance to do often brilliant takeoffs of B- and C-movie horror flicks with the cheesiest effects available. Watching Catherine O’Hara morph into a cat is something which can never be unseen. Count Floyd’s 3D Smellorama Can, available for $19.95, can never be unsmelled. – TS

Eddie Fournier

Let’s be clear here. Plenty of vampires on True Blood are terrifying. From the brooding Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgård) to the even more brooding Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer) to the openly psychotic Russell Edgington (Denis O’Hare), the vamps of this HBO series are perfectly capable of twisting off heads or tearing out spines. There’s one vampire, however, who has absolutely no interest in violence. The quiet, sweet Eddie Fournier (Stephen Root) was one of the least intimidating vampires you’ll ever meet. Once a closeted gay Southern man, Eddie accpeted the vampire’s curse as a way to be able to meet hot young guys. Unfortunately that strategy didn’t quite pan out as he’s still very much the reserved accountant-looking fellow he was before turning. Now he just can’t go out in the daytime. – AB

Enzo

The Vampire Diaries may have gotten silly at times over the course of its eight seasons, but even in its lowest stakes moments, most of its vampires had bite. This cannot be said for later-season regular Enzo. The TVD wiki describes our Enzo as a “minor antagonist,” which feels simultaneously accurate and benevolent. Enzo was pretty much always on the losing side of a fight, whether it’s becoming a vampire test subject for the show’s other least scary antagonist, Dr. Wes Maxfield, or “winning” a fight with Stefan by forcing his best friend’s brother to rip out his heart. Can we expect anything more from a character who almost immediately transitioned from “minor antagonist” into a game of love interest musical chairs? – KB

Bunnicula

Honestly, Bunnicula is pretty scary for a vampire bunny, but there are limits to any vampire bunny’s ferocity. It doesn’t help that, rather than sucking the blood out of humans, the children’s novel series character sucks the juice out of vegetables. Told from the perspective of the Monroe family dog, Harold, Bunnicula is, of course, not meant to be too scary so that the target demographic can enjoy the mystery and suspense of whether or not the eponymous is truly vampiric or not. Given that the rabbit was found at the movie theater during a show of Dracula, I think we all know the answer to this question… – KB

Barnabas Collins

Jonathan Frid’s Barnabas Collins is arguably the first “good” vampire—or at least one with a conscience—in pop culture. However, he didn’t start out that way. Introduced on the then-failing soap opera Dark Shadows in 1967, the character was meant to be a villainous guest star: a slightly more tragic Dracula who got killed off at the end. But it was the damndest thing… folks liked the tortured vampire obsessed with finding the reincarnation of his long lost love. Who knew?

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